First, Merry Christmas to all of you. That's about all I got in terms of enthusiasm for the holidays this year.
I know that I should not feel sorry for myself. I don't really. But I feel, well, if not sad ... blah. I'm not, at the core, a Bah Humbug guy. I like seeing the Christmas lights, I like seeing the decorations that other people put up, and I enjoy seeing so many people genuinely happy and infused with holiday spirit. I'm healthy, I'm employed, I have a fun hobby of attempting to play guitar, and I can run again for the first time in two years. There are billions less fortunate than I. I have close family friends who are struggling with illness and cancer. Yet I simply can't get into the spirit of the holidays this year, for perhaps what are silly reasons.
First, we have had so many people leaving our office for promotions in the last three months its been one goodbye party after another, and it seemed like there was a never ending number of holiday celebrations following. It gets *old*. Yes, I'm glad that people are moving on to bigger and better things, but after a while the forced cheer for people that you really didn't work with in an office gets old. I've already made it clear to my present office if and when I leave, I want *no* going away party. It hasn't been all that fun living out here, separated from my children for coming up on four years. I don't need to have people tell me how much they're going to miss me, because, they're *not* to miss me. Why make such a game of it? I've said if they want to have a party, do so, but I'm not going to be attending. I haven't felt this way in other offices that I've worked in, but I've been through so much personally over the past few years...
I was taking stock driving to work this morning, thinking about this will be my first Christmas with both of my parents gone. Gift giving had gone away many years ago, but I won't be able to call Saturday morning, and have Mom pick up the phone and hear the happiness in her voice when I wish her Merry Christmas. She loved Christmas, the decorations, just all of it. She made a point to send out cards to people she barely knew. It was important to her. And oddly, I always got a Christmas card with $20 tucked in it that Mom had snuck past Dad. This year, the only Christmas cards I've gotten are the ones that were forwarded from Mom's house from people that did not know she'd passed. I've sent out letters to those cards explaining what has happened. That was hard.
I thought when I had children, that that was it. That I wouldn't be getting divorced and/or married again, and seeing my kids' faces on Christmas morning was great. Well, that's shot to hell. The last Christmas was during 2006 that we woke up in the same house. It is so acrimonious with their mother that I highly doubt they'll be waking up on Christmas with me until they're adults (and then it will be of their choice). It is really hard to explain just how acrimonious the situation is... and that they only way to "win" (and not harm the children) is to not participate. I could fly to CT, but I don't see anyway that my presence would not end up degenerating in a fight. Christmas doesn't need to be spoiled for the kids that way. They've seen us argue enough.
I'm coming more to accept that moving near my children is not in the cards, at least for the near future. It *could* happen, but the window of opportunity is closing in the sense that they'll turn 11 and 9 early next year, and before long, the young children excitement kind of Christmas thing is gone. Then I'll just have surly teens who are unhappy about everything... pfffftttt.
I think its fairly obvious from the post so far that this time of the year has little religious significance for me. At this point in my life, I don't denigrate other for their beliefs - regardless of what those are - and I do believe that God speaks to people in different ways. I'm somewhere between pagan and agnostic now (LOL), and I don't see that changing. And I do not want others forcing their beliefs down my throat telling me that "if you believe this, you'll feel better." I've tried, and all I've ever gotten out of it has been silence. Just the way it is, not stated to be depressing, because I'm not depressed about it, I'm not going to waste my time attempting to believe in something that does not exist for me. I'm just skeptical, I guess.
Hmmm... proofing the above, this is pretty depressing. LOL. I am grateful for the good things in my life, but going back to driving in this morning, I'm trying to put my finger on why I'm so sour on the season this year, and I realized "Hmmm. You got divorced two years ago after an acrimonious process that dragged out a year and a half, then your parents died shortly after that."
They say these kinds of life events are extremely hard on people. I'm not whining. It could be worse. I have a person in our office whom, within the time space of a month, had his wife die suddenly on a Friday night and then his father die. I don't see how he's making it from day to day. We've had other people lose their parents or friends. Two weeks ago, one my co-workers fell on a rainy morning on his bike, commuting to work, and fractured his hip in three places. Another friend is recovering from a bout with necrotic fasciitis - that's your friendly "flesh eating disease." She'll be recovering for months. One of my parents' best friends is battling brain cancer and actually beating it much better than anyone, including the doctors, expected but takes two steps backward for every one forward.
So I guess my Christmas message is pretty simple ... be grateful for what you have *before* Christmas morning.
